5 Reasons Most Marriages Fail

So God has been pressing on my heart to speak life and encouragement to couples who seem to be struggling in their marriage. Today I want to share with you 5 reasons why most marriages fail. My prayer is that for each couple that is hanging on by a thread, that you would be encouraged to fight for your marriage and do what it takes to avoid these 5 common reasons why marriages are failing today.

1. Lack of Communication- We have all heard that communication is the number one reason for divorce in America today. If we are aware of the problem, we need to take the steps necessary to do something about the problem. The answer is to learn to communicate effectively with our spouse. As a man, sometimes I think that I have been clear about what I am trying to communicate only to realize later that I was completely unclear with what I was saying. This is why things didn't happen the way I thought they were going to Maybe you suffer from the same type of problem. Even with my spiritual gift being communication, that doesn't always mean that I communicate the way I need to. With that being said, what's the answer? One possible solution would be to figure out your spouses method of communication. Figure out if they are auditory, visual, or kin-esthetic learners. When a person is auditory, they learn by asking lots of questions and HEARING lots of answers. They are the type of person that can usually hear something and then go do whatever needs to be done. Our school systems are mainly taught using this auditory approach to teaching. Usually, teachers tell you something and then expect you to understand. Visual learners like to SEE what is going to happen.. They can't just hear about it. Many times drawing a picture of where things are going to go, or the way things are going to be set up, or creating a list will help a spouse who is visual to see what needs to happen. The last type of learner is kin-esthetic. This means that your spouse learns by doing, handling, FEELING, smelling, tasting, the information. These are the type of learners that don't like to be told or shown how to use a hammer, they actually want to pick it up and swing it! The point is, if you understand your spouses communication style and then begin to communicate to them using that style, it is amazing how different your spouse will understand and respond to what you are trying to communicate. Start by asking your spouse which way they like to learn information. Audibly, Visually, Touching/Feeling. Once you do that, use your mad creative skills to figure out ways to explain what you are trying to communicate in your spouses communication style. The hard part is putting ourselves into our spouses world and understanding that they need us to communicate to them in this way. If you are Auditory first, you may not see the need to have to write it down or grasp it with your hands, you may feel that telling them what you are saying is good enough. I challenge that thinking because if your spouse only communicated to you by drawing pictures, you would be easily frustrated because they are not just telling you what they are trying to say. Now imagine how frustrating it is to listen to you communicate in a style that doesn't match your spouse. This stuff really works and will help your marriage greatly. I encourage you to try it today!
2. Financial Issues- As long as you both shall live you will likely need to have a source of income coming in so that you can live and move and breathe. With that being said, many relationships suffer because of lack of money coming in. Others struggle with communicating about the money. Either way, money is known to be the 2nd biggest issue in marriage that can lead to divorce. When Amy and I first started dating, I had a great paying job and made more money in one year than any 16 year old should have ever made. It was awesome! At the end of the year I received my W2 form and realized that I made a ton of money, but yet I didn't own a new house, or a new car, or have any money in savings or even nice new clothes. Instead, I realized that because I ate out at restaurants everyday, I literally ate away all my income and savings! I quickly realized that I needed a solution. It was then that I discovered Financial Peace University. Dave Ramsey's FPU class changed my life by changing the way I managed and communicated about the green stuff! I highly encourage ever married couple to not only take the class, but to "Live like nobody else, so later you can live like nobody else!" I truly believe that taking this course changed the trajectory of where Amy and I were headed financially. We are so grateful to have learned how to handle finances at such a young age. Financial Freedom is being able to do what others can't do. I wouldn't be able to start a brand new church if I was financially in bondage. I wouldn't be able to do awesome things with my family if I was financially in bondage. I wouldn't be able to give the way that I want to give if I was financially in bondage. The value of getting out of debt is so vital to your success as a married couple. Every RevGroup semester we offer a Financial Peace University course for you to take. We strongly encourage you to get involved in this group and find financial freedom. I truly believe that if my role as a pastor is to help you through this life and to encourage you to become all that God created you to be. With that being said, if I can help you solve the two biggest problems that lead couples into divorce, I certainly will. Let us help you today. We are literally a phone call or message away from helping you.
3. Selfishness-Outside of lack of communication and money issues, right there at the top of the list is this idea of selfishness. We live in a society where we are more selfish than we even realize that we are being. Our marriages would look completely different if we truly put the other person's needs before our own. What if we were more concerned with where our spouse wanted to eat, where they wanted to go, and what they wanted to do, rather than our own needs, wants, and desires? What if we truly communicated to our spouse that we were willing to do anything to make them happy? Isn't that fully surrendering ourselves to each other? I mean we said our vows, we literally said that we were going to give 100% of ourselves to the other person. How is our being selfish accomplishing that goal? To many people have the idea that marriage is 50/50 and that every day life is going to run like that. Not always! Many times you may have to give way more the 50% to make it work. Is that wrong? No! Should it always be that way? No! When two people are committed to invest in their marriage, it is amazing to me how couples who each invest 100% not only survive but thrive! If you struggle with the critical issue of selfishness, I encourage you to join us for this Sunday's Life-Change Experience where we will be starting a new message series entitled: "Selfie Sundays" This is literally going to address issues of selfishness and we can then wrestle with what the Bible has to say about this topic as well.
4. Not Giving Enough Grace- It is funny how when we were dating a person that has all the issues that they still have now as our spouse, we were willing to give them so much grace. We were willing to overlook the problem as not that big of a deal. Once we get married however, it is a different story. It seems to me that people feel like their spouse should know them and understand what they desire out of the relationship.Then they get frustrated when they do not see their spouse doing what they think that they need them to do. I have been so guilty of this. It seems like the longer I am with Amy the higher my expectations have become. It's like I feel like she should know what is going to happen before it happens. She should know how I am going to feel about a situation before I even respond. I's like I expect her to know what I am thinking. THAT"S NOT COOL BRO!!! This is completely unhealthy and leads to major issues in a marriage. If you struggle with the same type issues that I have described, you are bound to become frustrated when things are not done the way that you think they should have been done. My suggestion is to come back to earth my friend! No one is perfect, not even you. Stop throwing out all these potentially unrealistic expectations and expecting your spouse to just know what needs to happen, or do whatever needs to be done.The antidote to this type of behavior is to display grace when things don't go the way that you desire and communicate effectively with your spouse to work through the issue.
5. Having Wandering Eyes, Hands, Conversations-Notice how I threw in eyes, (Visual) hands, (Kin-esthetic) and conversations. (Auditory) When you give 100% of yourself to someone else, that means that there is no other competition for your love. You have given it all to the person you are with. There is a major problem today with people having wandering eyes. Pornography in 2007 alone was a 20 MILLION DOLLAR Industry. It is obvious that devil has an intent to destroy families with the use of technology. When combined with other types of wandering such as what we would call, "Innocent Touch" with co-workers, neighbors, friends, or whomever, we are living in a dangerous society. With sexting running rampant, use of SnapChat as a sexual tool people everywhere are quietly disengaging from their spouse. Having phone sex to stimulate your auditory senses is another way that the devil tears us apart from one another. Not to mention that most of the books that women read are all about seduction, and love, and paint a picture of what a man is supposed to look be like. This mind porn has been one of the biggest offenders for our brains. We need to wake up to the reality of the type of pollution that we are faced with every day. The Bible tells us that we are to stay on guard and protect ourselves. (Ephesians 6:11) Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
6. Not Dating Your Spouse- Yes, this is a bonus reason why marriages aren't making it. You need to work together to make sure that you have time together each week away from the kids. This is for your date day. You need a date day. Get a date day! You need to figure out when you and your spouse our going to date each other without your kids around. This is vital for the health of your marriage. With starting our own church, one of the hardest things to do is protect my time with my family and my spouse. It is so important that we get on the same page and stay there. I love my wife with all of my heart and only want what is best, however, there are 100 other things competing for my time and attention and if I am not careful, the devil will use that against us. Find a day that works for both of you and then go do things together. Talk to each other. Do life together. Enjoy each others company. Get to know one another again. This will make your marriage stronger than ever.

Hopefully, these tips can help you and your spouse get closer than ever before. As an additional resource to you, this summer we will be offering a study entitled: "Marriage on the Rock" by Jimmy Evans. This course will certainly be something you want to sign up for. Investing in your marriage is so important. You need to make sure that you attend this and be ready for God to transform your marriage from average to insanely great!

When Leaders Become Followers?

If there is one thing I am certain of, it is that I cannot lead others where I have never been. There are a lot of directions that I can take you on my own. However, as I may seem to have good advice to give, and be able to keep you from making unwise decisions from time to time, I am very limited. Anything GOOD that has ever came from me was God, and anything BAD that ever came from me was all me. As a pastor, I realize that it is impossible for me to know where to lead our church next if I am not consistently hearing from God and seeking the wisdom that only he can give. As a leader, I must be a follower.

It is imperitive for every believer to clearly and consistently be hearing from God. True leaders are in their Bibles and letting the Word of God speak to them in profound ways. This is how you become a great leader. There was no greater leader than Jesus. He is the one we follow.  

What happens when a leader begins to follow and hear the voice of God?

1. The leader's life is transformed by the power of God. (Acts 1:8) But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.
2. The leader's family sees a noticeable change in that person and is grateful.
3. The leader's perspective on life is different. (Romans 12:2) And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
4. The leader impacts others with their time, talents, and treasures. (2 Corinthians 9:7)
5. The leader sees consistent growth in their knowledge and understanding of who God is and what this life is truly all about.
6. The leader is equipped to lead people better than ever before because the leader has been instructed on what to do next. (Psalm 32:8) I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye. or (Isaiah 11:2) The Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon Him, The Spirit of wisdom and understanding, The Spirit of counsel and might, The Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord.
7. The leader leads others to find and follow Jesus by leading by example. The leader masters the ability to serve God in any and every capacity that is necessary. 
8. There is no limit to His desire to want to serve. (Look at Paul's life-Even unto death!)
9. Others are drawn to what God is doing in the leaders life, because God is doing something special in YOU! (Philippians 1:6) Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; 
10. Others naturally have the desire to follow the leader because the leader learns to lift up the Leader-JESUS! (John 12:32) And I, if I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all peoples to Myself. 

When leaders become followers, everything changes. Their world is turned upside-down. I am convinced more now than ever that LEADERS-LEAD. It is easy to give ourselves the title of Leader, but if we are not doing the things that God has asked us to do in His Word, then we must re-evaluate whether we are truly leading or not. 

There are a lot of "leaders" who want the title, but not the responsibility. Beware of these people. The Bible refers to them as wolves in sheep's clothing and as busybodies. They are immature in their knowledge of Jesus and are still babies in Christ. (Hebrews 5:12-13) Maturity as a believer isn't measured by knowledge but rather by action. Paul said, "Faith without our works is dead." 

So how do we measure if we are maturing as followers of Jesus? Here are a few quick thoughts:

• Are we reading God's Word consistently?
• Are we giving to God faithfully our tithes and offerings?
• Are we involved in a ministry team that is making a difference?
• Are we helping others experience the life-giving love of Jesus? 
• Are others naturally following us as we follow Jesus? (1 Corinthians 11:1) "Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ."

Church Planting Lesson #6,743---Supporter vs. Hijacker

Today, I have decided to reopen my blog and will be blogging more frequently. Today, I feel led to share with pastors and future church planters a leadership lesson concerning dealing with the vision that God has given you. I have found that there are people who support your church and people who are there to try to hijack the vision of your church.

Hijackers:
It is my experience since starting Revolution Church that those who think they are most spiritual and should be in charge are usually the ones that think they know the most about the Bible, and usually the ones that can't seem to find a way to help serve, nor are they the ones who give to the church to make the ministry go forward. They are self-proclaimed spiritual giants! More frequently then not, they are ones that have more to criticize about what your church is doing rather than help you make the ministry better. They usually tell you how good they are at being a leader too!

To all my fellow church planting pastors and people who seek to be in ministry in the future. Always be on guard of those who talk a big talk but are not willing to put to action what needs to happen in the church. Too many people like to say what they do not like about God's church without a willingness to participate in a solution. These people are known in the Bible as busybodies. People who seem to look like they are involved in what the ministry is doing, but actually do not add to the work of the ministry, and in many cases, even detract from the vision that God has put on your life for building His church. Too many people want the Title of leader but not the responsibility of being the leader.

Supporters:



This is how you build a church. You work with the people who support the vision God gave you for starting His church. When David decided to trust God and go fight the big, mean, giant named Goliath, Saul tried to make David wear his armor. The problem was that David couldn't maintain the way that Saul typically did battle. He could only do what he was comfortable with and knew to do.

The same is true for your church. You can only be who God created you to be. As the leader, you cannot allow other people to dictate the direction of the vision God gave you for your church. God didn't give them the vision, He gave you the vision. It is your responsibility to protect that vision at all costs! Besides, you must consider what your church will look like when that person who is giving you all these things you need to change in your church-leaves your church. Be careful not to let Saul tell you what you need to do because one day you will be the one that has to maintain the ministry that Saul started!!! At this point you will be in a hole because those people didn't have the vision and you don't know how to carry out the ministry that those people were doing the way that they were doing it. 

Again, if you will do what God has called you to do, there are people out there who fully support it! There are people out there that are attracted to the vision that God has given you for your church. For every 1 person that thinks you should change everything, there are 10 people who love the way that you are doing ministry. Why? Because God's vision is attractive. When we see what He sees and do what He wants us to do, we live lives that other people only wish they could live!

God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Hebrews 11:6

We have seen God do absolutely incredible things since we endeavored to start Revolution Church! Our church is officially 5 weeks old and God has blessed our church substantially! We have over 100 members and are growing! God's presence is felt week to week, and Amy and I have been surrounded with an amazing team of people who work hard to serve each other and support the vision of the church. God rewards those that stick to the game plan and continue to seek Him.

What is He showing you today?

If you are a pastor or church planter-Maybe He is telling you to reclaim the leadership responsibility of your church and stop letting people who haven't been given the vision drive the direction of the church.

If you are a church member-Maybe He is telling you to be the best support system for your church leaders as possible. It is so easy to critique the way others are doing ministry, rather than help your pastor fulfill the vision that God has given to him. Don't take the easy way out and become a Saul who tries to change the method of how things are done. Instead, understand your responsibility to encourage and support the work that God is doing through your pastor. Be an armor bearer and protect your pastor's heart and his family. Help him protect the vision. After all, isn't that what you really want in a pastor? One who is hearing and obeying the voice of God?